"Knights of Columbus Free Throw Basketball Night In America On Fox"(Part 2-The Contest) A Satire In 13 Pages
Meanwhile, two extremely-obnoxious men, claiming Official Status, of Some Kind, called Larry & Dan, have rearranged the Contest Format & sent the Contest Location, into a Night of Chaos, under orders of their authority, as a “Reform Measure”, after complaints. Dan is from a newspaper, with “GLOBal” connections, & Larry’s Publicist-Confidant. These 2 don’t realize that the longer the Contest takes, the angrier the parents get, as well as the Rest of the US & Canada, have to listen to some Mc Carver Comment, which would send somebody running through the streets, howling maddening obscenities (Buck is no bargain, either, with his blasts of Sarcasm). But, Larry & Dan, see it in their “Revenue Plan.”
After Commercial Break, on CTV Sports Net, & the local FOX Stations around the USA, this INSANITY Begins.
The Collage of Events, @ the Beginning of the telecast, shows highlights of the Chicago Cubs, as World Series Victors, followed by Female Mud Wrestlers, NASCAR, & proclaims FOX Sports as the Official Network of Super Bowl XLIV.
Theme from “FOX Saturday Baseball” rolls. Contest is brought to you by Apple Computer, makers of the new iPod 400 GB El Grande, by Cingular Wireless, where from your Cingular Wireless Phone, text how long the Contest takes, to code 56197, by The Knights of Columbus & by Miller Beer-Good Call.
Larry grabbed a microphone & explained this change of format as a "Reform", due to too many complaints, from several sources. Dan calmed the audience, stating that he & Larry, had no choice in the matter, but that things would proceed smoothly "By The Book." Whether it was The K of C Free Throw Handbook, or the "Revenue Model" Book, was never explained, but Larry went over to the Contest Chairman, to tell him that "Never Again Will You EVER Run This Contest- it is out of Your Hands."
The Contest Chairman, Theodore Mientkiewiecz, was ordered to sit down, as well as to take the heat or LEAVE the building.
The "FOX Saturday Baseball" theme was rolling. When the sponsors were flashed on the screen, & then done, Buck rolled into his dialogue,
"The Knights of Columbus Free Throw Basketball Championship, rolls into its' 2nd Season, here on FOX. I'm Joe Buck, having been joined by Tim Mc Carver & Don Orsillo. Something strange has occurred, within the last 15 minutes, as Council Contest Chairman, Theodore Mientkiewiecz, was replaced by a Duo, named Larry & Dan, who refuse to reveal their last names. Tim?"
Mc Carver: "Well, I find it strange that Larry & Dan, have replaced Teddy Moskowitz, as Forest Hills, Queens, isn't that far from Yankee Stadium, & is noted for a German populace. This smacks, heavily of Anti-Semitism, as well as being a conundrum, in the Body Politic";
Buck: "Don? In your estimation, from working the Red Sox on NESN, have you seen anything so confusing as tonight's setup";
Orsillo: "Only in around The Remdawg's Hot Dog Stand on Game Days(laughs); this is a heavily JEWISH Neighborhood, & the denizens aren't too crazy about the format change, which will keep us on the air, until sometime around the start of the 11PM News, or until NFL Coverage, tomorrow. Changing a format at the last minute, throws everyone's plans off-stride. & We're actually not too far from the old Shea Stadium Site, now occupied by a Fenway Replica."
In the FOX Limo, wheeling its' way from 6th Avenue, Ross Mac Duncan(From Boston) & Monsignor Farrecchio , are viewing the telecast. Mac Duncan remarked that "Tim couldn't get his own name right, & we're going to listen to his baboonic drivel, from him, all night? & just who TF are Larry & Dan? Wait! Didn't they screw up the Red Sox, at the end of 2004?"
Monsignor asked MacDuncan to wake him when they got to Forest Hills.
Ross got a call from Telecast Director Bill Webb, who has directed "The World Series On FOX", since 1996, keeping Ross abreast of the latest "Pearls of Wisdom" from Tim Mc Carver's continuous babble-session. Tim is holding a telestrator.
The following are words & illustrations by Tim;
" Right here, we can see how many dents are on the basket rim; dents as in Bucky Dent";
Buck: "Well, Tim? How long before we get to hear about the Hansdome, Dashing, Swashbuckling, Debonnaire Derek Jeter?"
Tim: "Give me time; it's early";
Orsillo: "What any of this has to do with this contest, is anyone's guess; It sounds like another night for a booth raid";
Commercial from Apple, rolls now, followed by Cingular Blurb.
Manny Ramirez is being Manny, listening to his iPod, in left field @ Fenway Park, and watching "FOX Saturday Baseball Game of The Week" with his Video iPod. A ball gets hit & Manny gets conked on his head.
The Cingular Ad touts the new iPod Phone, from Motorola; Manny Ramirez is in left field, listening to music. He gets a text message telling him not to catch the ball. He gets conked on the head. Derek Jeter is laughing, devilishly, then goes out to the field & boots 2 balls.
FOX Sports Sideline Reporter Jerry Remy, known to New Englanders as "The RemDawg", reported the name of the 1st Winner:
"In The 10 Year Old Girls Category, Michelle Chu, shot a total of 14/15 baskets, amid all of the confusion tonight, in the wake of the removal of Contest Chairman, Theodore Mientkiewicz; She moves on to the District Championship, in February. Now back upstairs to Joe, Tim & Don";
Tim: "Jerry, you do such a great job, on 'Mike & The RemDawg', here on WFAN in New York";
Orsillo: "Tim? He looks nothing like & sounds nothing like Chris "Mad Dog" Russo. He doesn't sound like he has marbles in his mouth. Please!"
MacDuncan & Monsignor Farrecchio arrived @ the Public School #101Q, in Forest Hills Gardens. Ross rang the bell & was greeted by Larry & Dan, who demanded to see Press Credentials, from The New York Times or The Boston Globe. Monsignor & Ross flashed their FOX Sports Credentials. Dan, The Contest's Publicity Director, stated that "I have orders to keep you both out of here, as people have come to me, stating that they hate both of you a lot."
MacDuncan: "I know who you two are-BOTH of you have ruined careers & a Great Baseball Team";
Dan: "My Company owns 17% of that team-now beat it."
Larry warns both Monsignor Farrecchio & MacDuncan, that if they come into the building, things could come to blows. Ross cracks "In that case, I'll keep my zipper open if it comes to that", & leaves. He & the Monsignor went for coffee on Austin Street in Downtown Forest Hills, Queens.
FOX Sports Sideline Reporter Sean Patrick, reported an impromptu press conference, being held by Larry & Dan;
"Both Larry & Dan, threatened me not to cover this event unless I was a reporter for the New York Times or The Boston Globe, or from New York Times Radio Station WQXR-FM, & that WFAN is also banned from this conference, as well as WEEI. They have reported that Contest Telecast Producers, Ross MacDuncan & Monsignor Angelo Farrecchio, were ordered off the property, so as to not interfere in the operation of this contest. Just who are these guys, Larry & Dan? Now back to Joe, Tim & Don";
Mc Carver: " Thank You, Sean John! As he has done to the 2004 World Series Champion Brooklyn Red Sox, Larry Lucchino, with that sychophant, Dan Shaughnessy, a hideously-untalented writer for The New York Post, have turned this 1 hour contest, featuring the best ball shooters in their local parish contests, into a 3 1/2 hour spectacle of people, losing interest in the contest, as well as throwing things at this booth, with people calling for me to shut up. I will not shut up, to give into some bully's whim & you can bet the house on that";
Orsillo: "Pete Rose couldn't have said it better";
Buck:"Tim, get some oxygen, you're out of breath; We'll be back to this marathon event, following these messages & a word from your local FOX Station";
"Da, da, dot, da, da, dahhh, da, da, dahhh" ( FOX theme Music)
Commercial, with the Knights of Columbus Supreme Knight, aired. A Miller Lite ad, featuring RemDawg, also aired.
(FOX Theme Music, with RemDawg's Voice-Over)
"FOX K of C Free Throw Night In America" is brought to you by Marty's USRV, with the best selection of Mobile Camping Vehicles anywhere in North America; by T-Mobile; more minutes, more messaging, more web; Get More, & by Mc Donald's";
MacDuncan & Monsignor Farrecchio were watching the telecast in the "5 Burro Cafe'" on Austin Street, a couple of blocks from PS 101Q & were filled in by Bill Webb, as to Mc Carver's outing of Larry & Dan on the air;
Monsignor Farrecchio to Bill Webb by Cell Phone: "Tim did a fabulous job in exposing Larry Lucchino & Dan Shaughnessy as the 2 frauds they are. But Tim telling the the US & Canadian Audience, that he will not be bullied into shutting up, is an amazing prime time statement from a man describing every minute detail, about everything but what is related to the contest itself, can drive this audience crazy. Confusing BROOKLYN with BOSTON? Ebbets' Field was torn down in 1960. I don't remember a 2004 World Series being anywhere near Bedford Avenue & Sullivan Place in Brooklyn.
Webb: "He confused the proximity of Forest Hills to Yankee Stadium, with the Shea Stadium site & he's worked Mets telecasts, in Shea Stadium. Listen up to this one, Ross. Some 11 Year Old Boy named Koo is @ the foul Line."
Mc Carver: "In this contest, this is the biggest give-up session";
Buck: "Ohhhhhh, & whooshes it into the basket, one after another. Take your words back. & Koo is shooting with perfection";
Mc Carver: " You led me into it-I didn't say a thing";
MacDuncan to Webb: "Booth invasion time on FOX is next. I'll have to text Theodore to sneak us both inside. I'll deal with Lucchino & Dopey Dan, when the time comes. It's off to PS 101Q & the action";
(FOX is in a T-Mobile Commercial, where Manny warns Tim to stop calling him Manny Ortiz. Mc Carver texts him with "Thanks, Derek"; Catherine Zeta-Jones then intones "T-Mobile-Get More, Tim, You Baboon").
(FOX is in commercial with Marty's USRV, with Marty riding a horse & playing a singing cowboy, just like on NESN, holding up a sign, reading "Shut The Buck Up", a reference to Tim's Enabler, Joe Buck).
Theo has just been sent a text to his Treo 900 phone. He came to the door & let Monsignor Farrecchio & Ross MacDuncan inside by the gym entrance. A FOX virtual ad was seen on screen, promoting the hit series "24". Crowd shot of Kiefer Sutherland & Vanessa Marcil, is seen, enjoying the action, while @ a Disco on 1st Avenue.
Lucchino sees MacDuncan & Monsignor Farrecchio walking into the gym. He & Dopey Dan The Writer, run over to challenge the Duo.
Lucchino: "I don't want either of you here. I'm going to call the 70th Precinct, to have both of you removed, for Interference in Contest & Revenue Operations";
MacDuncan: "The 70th Precinct is in Kensington, Brooklyn; this is Forest Hills, QUEENS";
Lucchino smacks MacDuncan to the ground & says "You must not disrespect your Master";
Ross gets up & sucker-punches Lucchino. A brawl ensued. Over in the ESPN Radio Booth, Commentators Dave O'Brien, Joe Castiglione & Jerry Trupiano, are trying to make sense of the Contest, FOX Sports Coverage & the ensuing brawl;
O'Brien: "In all my years of Sports Coverage, both on ESPN & the WB 11-NY, I am wondering why FOX is going with its' # 1 BASEBALL Crew & not someone as expert in various sports as Kenny Albert? This is astonishing";
Trupiano: "This is like going to a boxing match & having a hockey game break out, or having A-Rod fighting Jason Varitek";
Castiglione: "With Ross MacDuncan playing Varitek & Larry Lucchino acting like A-Rod-the ONLY thing missing is a black handbag. MacDuncan is making mincemeat out of Mr Lucchino. Just what connection does Mike Piazza have with this Contest, let alone expertise in color commentating in the American League Championship Series? & Why was Piazza interviewing Roger Clemens, for crying out loud?"
Meanwhile on the gym floor, Monsignor Farrecchio had just shoved Dan The Sycophant into a bleacher section. Dan shouted "You've ruined my curly hair with blood coming out of my cheeks";
Monsignor: "I'll buy you a new Rug, next week";
Back in the FOX Booth, Mc Carver is doing a replay analysis of the Brawl:
Mc Carver: " Jack, in watching this explosion of rage, Ross is calm @ 1st, stunned by the slap, gets up & wailed away like a complete maniac. Derek Jeter would NEVER go this crazy";
Orsillo: "Tim, just where does Derek Jeter fit into this contest? HE is NOT a contestant. He plays Shortstop & DH for the NY Yankees. He's most-likely @ some disco in Manhattan as we speak, having a good time";
Mc Carver: "Jeter has Calm Eyes";
Buck: "Well Kemosabe, you asked for it & you got it;
Kenny Albert is @ 2nd Avenue & East 60th Street with a guest. Kenny?"
Albert: "Joe, I'm here with NY Yankees Shortstop Derek Jeter & you're following these events tonight in Forest Hills, Queens. What are your thoughts about the Contest tonight?";
Jeter: "Tim, you're getting OLD; Get rid of The Grecian Formula; Grow older Gracefully; You've RUINED my chances for the last 5 years with the All Star Game; Steve Carlton bought me a drink & he wants you to shut the hell up; Tim, get a life; STOP RUINING MY CAREER or I'll come out to Queens & do to you what Ross MacDuncan did to Larry Lucchino, tonight; Stop it; STOP THE MADNESS; You're driving me totally CRAZY with your obsession";
Orsillo: "Every Baseball Fan in North America, including Mets & Red Sox Fans, will be saluting Derek Jeter for what he said tonight";
Tim: "What was that all about?"
Buck: "Well, Tim, your replacement is waiting in the wings, or @ "The Atomic Wingz" @ East 60th Street & 2nd Avenue; Scooter The Talking Baseball, will now explain the format for the subsequent rounds of this Contest. Scooter?"
Scooter: "This 1st Official Round, called the Council Contest & 15 shots @ the foul line are used @ this level; in the District, County, Regional & State Championships, 25 shots are taken. Before each round, contestants are allowed 3 practice shots; if contestants are tied for 1st or 2nd place, the best of 5 shots, will be used as a tie-breaker; if tied @ the end of those 5 shots, another 5 shot round will take place, until a winner is declared. The Supreme Council Championship is done by comparing scores from the various State & Provincial Councils. There is no shoot-out @ that level. I'm Scooter The Talking Baseball with this K of C Free Throw Tip for today";
FOX Sound Effect "Whoosh"(AS The MLB On FOX Graphic is spinning, as it has all night);
Buck: "Jerry Remy is standing by with a guest. Jerry?"
RemDawg: " This young lady, earlier this evening, caused audiences across North America to burst into chants of Bravo & Bravissimo, with her stirring renditions of the Canadian & American National Anthems. She'll be singing "God Bless America" prior to the Awards Ceremony after this Contest. Ms Ashley Solu will also be heard in the Sign Off, singing "Ode To Joy." Ashley, how long have you been singing these arias?"
Solu: "For 14 Years, ever since I was 11";
RemDawg: "Wow! Are you playing any engagements in the Near Future";
Solu: "On July 4th, I will be singing a Patriotic Solo, with The Boston Pops, on The Esplanade";
Remy: "Magnifico! Ashley will now be giving us the results of the latest 2 Winners";
Solu: "In the 13 Year Old Boys category, Victor Martinez-Ramirez Y Ortiz, shot 14/15 to advance to the District Round, while in the 13 Girls Category, Andrea Betancourt has shot a perfect 15/15 & will be going to the District Contest. Now back upstairs to The Crew";
Mc Carver: " I wonder if Ashley Solu is any relation to Napoleon Solu, the guy from Interpol"(Goes into patented Giggling);
MacDuncan: "Tim? Why are you doing this to this audience; It's the kind of stuff which could break Terrorisism Suspects, only for you to go on, Inning after Inning for 10 more years, mentioning just that; Do you remember 'The Man From U.N.C.L.E.'? The lead was named Napoleon Solo. Does she resemble Robert Vaughan, in any way, shape or form? This is the kind of night, where you've gotten so many things wrong. Dan Shaughnessy works for The Boston Globe, not the New York Post, which is owned by the very company which owns this network; on the air you called Sean Patrick, Sean John; called Joe Buck, Jack; off the air, you called Don Orsillo, Corleone; The Red Sox play in BROOKLYN? Which "T" Lines are running to Coney Island-Stillwell Avenue for "Fenway-By-The-Sea"; Jerry Remy being confused with Chris Russo; it goes on & on; @ this rate Derek Jeter & I, will be ripping you 2 more, if you know what I mean";
Tim: "Quit it!";
Farrecchio: "Tim, I can't wait to do my imitation of Al Leiter; It was a choke worthy of The NY Yankees in '04";
Solu: "Derek Jeter has informed me that he's on his way here. Tim? PLEASE STOP";
Mc Carver: "Cut it Out";
(Mc Donald's Commercial, running, with Tim giving a long order-people clear out-NO ONE wants to hear him);
Public Address Announcer Carl Beene: "Ladies & Gentleman, Boys & Girls, please take your seats, as the contest has ended; please rise & join in the singing of 'God Bless America', which will be performed by noted soloist, Ashley Solu, whose accompiament will be the Boston Symphony & Boston Popular Orchestras";
"God Bless America", is sung in the style of Irish Tenor, Ronan Tynan. Another Thunderous Standing Ovation followed.
Buck: "The Contest Award Ceremony is brought to you by Mc Donald's-'I love This Place'; Lets join "The RemDawg" as he calls the names of the 10 alternates & 10 Winners. Jerry?"
(Mc Donald's commercial with Manny Ramirez & Pedro Martinez);
The Crew in the booth & their final thoughts:
Buck: " We've witnessed so much tonight; a coup to wrest control of this contest to drag it out as part of some revenue plan; Ross punching out Larry Lucchino; Monsignor leaving Dan Shaughnessy, battered & bloodied; Derek Jeter going bananas; 10 to 14 Year Olds winning their contest rounds; Musical performances worthy of July 4th on The Esplanade in Boston; this has been one memorable night;
Mc Carver: "Interesting to note that despite all the fistacuffs & verbal pyrotechnics, it was a fun night";
Orsillo: " As an added treat The Boston Pops Orchestra will be doing a traditional 3 song Sing-A-Long. Let's listen in";
It was just like July 4th with people singing along to "The Stars & Stripes Forever", "The Maple Leaf Forever" & "Yankee Doodle Dandy";
The concert ended & more thoughts from the crew:
Sean Patrick: " In tomorrow's New York Post, make that Monday's Post, Phil Mushnick is going to have a field night, ripping us to his heart's delight, let alone how he'll rip us to shreds in TV Guide in the following weeks. This is a night to remember";
Remy: "From my perspective, it's amazing that we managed to see a contest amid the controversial move to dispose of a great contest chairman. Somehow, we survived this evening";
Ross MacDuncan: "In the words of Baseball Hall of Famer, Ford C. Frick Award Winner, The Late Bob Murphy, 'Ladies & Gentleman, fasten your seat belts; we're in the 9th Inning'; if this was a Baseball Game, this would be about the 14th Inning, as every imaginable crazy instance has taken place here & a number of people may grow dissatisfied by tonight's contest experience; this should've lasted not more than one hour; the so-called reorganization people ran this with a non-noble purpose";
Buck: "Murph' would've been astounded by all this nonsense; he being such an elegant play-caller to listen to, over the years in New York; Ross? By your observation, I wonder if Larry Lucchino & Dan Shaughnessy's plans of so called 'reform', were to get the young people so disgusted with this contest, that there would be no demand for the program?"
Ross Mac Duncan: "Joe, I've seen guys like this who've done this; they get the assisting organization to go along with mandated protocols, only to move the contest to another area; they also denounce that assisting organization which they gave their mandated protocols to. Tim, any thoughts on this";
Tim Mc Carver: " I couldn't help but overhear Lucchino & Shaughnessy, mention that this is a revenue-generation plan for the contest; this contest shouldn't be about mere money; As it's 12:30AM in Newfoundland, 12M in The Maritime Provinces, 11PM Eastern, 10 Central, 9 Rocky Mountain, 8Pacific & 6 Alaskan & 5 Hawaiian Time, this has been one long spectacle across all these time zones; in the time it took to play this contest, I could've flown from Baltimore to Iceland:"
Buck: " & That'll do it! The Executive Producers of "Knights of Columbus Free Throw Basketball Championship Night in America On FOX" are David Hill & Ed Goren & Our Director is Bill Webb & Post-Contest Coverage, with Jim, Terry, Howie & Jimmy, along with "The Best Damn Sports Show Period", on MYTV & CTV Sports Net.
Now watch the names of those who put together tonight's production. Ashley Solu will be singing "Ode To Joy", with the music of The Boston Pops & Symphony Orchestras."
Credits are rolling with highlight inserts.
At End is this announcement, with the FOX Drumbeat:
"This Has Been A Parody of FOX Sports."
(End of Part 2).
Lucchino & Shaughnessy are the bane of our lives in Red Sox Nation, but they also represent other characters I've known in The Knights of Columbus & from the Parishes I've done business with in the time I was a Grand Knight of a Council in Queens.
The Brawl, has its' roots in my 1st Council, then in Brooklyn. A guy warned me not to run against his buddy. I told him that I was not going to back off. He slapped me hard in the face. I got up & punched him out. FOX Sports did NOT exist in 1980, when this incident took place. This same guy, in 1999, got together with another guy, for the purpose of throwing another contest into a night of real chaos. They informed me that people came to them for the format change to reform it. It caused for organizations to leave the contest. They also discredited the organization which followed their directives.
Much of this material comes from the Telecasts of "FOX Saturday Baseball." Read this thing & watch the MLB Highlights by going to MLB.com.