"FOX Saturday Baseball Presents Round One of The K of C Free Throw-The Contest"
JB: "The Knights Of Columbus Free Throw has been in existence, Orderwide since 1976 & for some strange reason, this contest, here in Forest Hills, NY has an incredible amount of controversy, since moving here from East Glendale, some years ago. Somehow, we, at FOX Saturday Baseball, have always found ourselves in the middle of this. Tim Mc Carver, what do you think of all this?"
Tim: "Well, Jack(RemDawg & DO start Giggling), last year when Larry Lucchino was beaten senseless by Contest Producer Ross Mac Duncan, this became one of the most-sensational events in the history of TV since the Red Sox were moved in 2004 to Coney Island, Brooklyn, where they've prospered & have won a World Series, which could be one of the best moves made by Red Sox Principal Owner Fred Wilpon";
RemDawg: "Well, Tim, since we're off on the wrong foot, how do I get to Coney Island-Stillwell on The Green Line. Do I change at Park Street from the Red Line, or at 14th Street-Union Square for The Q Line"(More cackling laughter in the booth);
JB: "Kenny Albert is standing by with NY Mets Owner, Fred Wilpon";
KA: "Thanks, Joe. With me is Fred Wilpon, who really has something to say about our 1st controversy of the evening, Fred?
Fred Wilpon: "I realize that Seaver in the Booth was as exciting as watching ice melt, but the Mets Farm Team plays in Coney Island. They're The Brooklyn Cyclones, NOT the Red Sox. You'd get lost getting off the 7 Line, thinking that you're in The Bronx. I'm The METS Owner, not The Red Sox Owner. & Get rid of that Killer Hair Dye, Please Tim. It's poisoning your brain";
Tim; "Mime, in the rock band, just made some noise";
More cackling laughter was coming from the FOX Booth, as Tim let loose with this gem about S'r Mariano;
Tim; "I can recall S'r Mariano, he of that excellent Gait, when Dave Roberts stole 2nd Base off him in the '04 National League Playoff";
JB; "As always, a Brilliant Point, made by Tim, "The Sophocles Of The Diamond";
Tim; "This just like the Old Days when Red Sox Games were seen on NESN & Superstation WWOR, all over New England, when Bob Montgomery, Ralph Kiner & I, did those Games. To think that a TV Station in Secaucus, NJ had that much power to cover all of New England";
DO; "Like Bob Murphy & Lindsey Nelson doing Mets Games on TV 38";
RemDawg; "Or Yankees Games on WLVI 56";
Meanwhile, S'r Mariano, with his Sidekick, Fr Martin Mc Shea, are in a heated argument with a Parent, over the length of this contest. Fr Mc Shea is the Council Chaplain. Mc Shea went to to the FOX truck outside, to warn Contest Telecast Producers, Ross Mac Duncan & Msgr Angelo Farrecchio, not to come into the facility. Mac Duncan is enraged, screaming "You & Mariano are turning this contest into another Prime Time Debacle, just like Larry Lucchino & Dan Shaughnessy did last year & Mc Carver is more of a Baboon this year, what with WWOR telecasting Red Sox Games in 1986, while Sr Mariano throws Ralph The Contest Chairman out & brings in 3 Parishes in a "Send 'Em All" order to create chaos, just like he did in Arlington, MA, some years ago"(With Mac Duncan speaking in a flowing Boston Accent). S'r Mariano came to the Truck & warned both Producers not to come on the property. Mariano stated that "Things Will Come To Blows if you step into the school for any reason." Ross cracked "Good, & I'll keep my zipper open if it comes to that";
Back inside at the Contest, two 11 Year Old Boys Contestants, Karol Borislavic & Martin St.Louis, are tied at 13/15. A Five Shot shoot-out will take place. One will notice that for every basket, the Run bell from FOX Saturday Baseball, will be sounded;
JB; Karol Borislavic, a Student at Our Lady Of Miraculous Medal School in Ridgewood, Queens is at the Line. He has five shots to break the tie...He's 5/5. Now comes Martin St. Louis from St Elizabeth's School in Ozone Park, Queens. He's at the line...4 out of 4 Shots. Now comes the 5th one. He's Ready, shoots....Ohhhh, & misses, making Karol Borislavic, the winner";
Tim; "St. Louis blows in a New York Minute";
Meanwhile, the slow motion replay of the blown basket is followed by a Spinning MLB On FOX Logo, with corresponding 'Whoosh";
Mac Duncan, with Msgr Farrecchio, in the Truck, have concurred that Mc Carver, indeed, is a Baboon, with his last comment. The Director, Bill Webb, agrees;
DO; "Right now, Fr Mc Shea & Sr Mariano are holding a Press Conference, involving us here at FOX Sports, The NY Times & Radio Staion WQXR-FM & WFAN, in regards to tonight's contest";
Fr Mc Shea; "Upon reports & complaints from the NY State Council at West 23rd Street & 6th Avenue, New York City, I'm taking action to bar Contest Telecast Producers Ross Mac Duncan & Msgr Angelo Farrecchio, from entry into this facility, for reports of their Unbecoming Behavior. That's all I have to say at this moment";
The two people with him were wearing rings with "G" on them. One of them was heard saying that they were on their way to "Breadstix", a bar on Queens Blvd;
Mac Duncan cracked "Those Two must be the 'Queens of Queens'; Why else would they be going to the biggest Gay Bar in Forest Hills";
Msgr Farrecchio; "Both are wearing Masons Rings & hang around a gay bar. I wonder if Fr Mc Shea noticed any of this";
Mac Duncan; "He has to be warned. Let's get him out to the Truck";
Back to the Contest, & Don Orsillo is doing the Play-By-Play of 14 Year Old Andrea Betancourt's shooting session;
DO; "Andrea is the Shooting Sensation of Last Year's Contest & is back for another shot at going all the way. She stands way back from the foul line";
RemDawg; "In other words, she could be standing in Cambridge, & make her shots";
DO; "She could do it from there, no doubt";
Tim; "As we're seeing this, it's nice to have Youppi sitting with us";
RemDawg; "Youppi was Montreal's Mascot. This is Wally The Green Monster";
Tim; "Like Forrest Wahlberg Once said, 'Stupid Is, as Stupid Says'";
JB; "Well, Tim, why don't you tell us about the Toronto Blue Jays TV Schedule on the CW 11-NY";
DO; "Andrea sets & shoots, makes #1, & has the crowd whooping it up(With the FOX Chime played after every made basket). One crowd shot shows Red Sox All Star Left Fielder, Manny Ramirez, holding up a sign promoting the "Shut Up Tim Mc Carver" Website;
Meanwhile, back in the FOX Truck, Fr Mc Shea meets Mac Duncan & Farrecchio to watch the Press Conference Replay & to listen for some strange dialog;
Fr Mc Shea; "Where is this Breadstix Bar? The place has a very-queer name for a bar?"
Mac Duncan; "Well, Padre, it's a Queer Place-Home To Queer Nation";
Msgr Farrecchio; "Notice those rings they are wearing. So strange for Knights of Columbus! West 23rd Street is the NY State Grand Lodge of The Masons";
Fr Mc Shea; "Oh & another thing, Mc Carver is causing me Acid Reflux. I remember the time when Al Leiter was about to choke him on the air, 2 years ago. It may be time for another, melodramatic visit to the broadcast booth";
Msgr Farrecchio; "Ross & I will be at our melodramatic best, when the booth is invaded";
DO; "Andrea is 13/15. Next is Ashley Brockington of Woodhaven. Funny, but she looks a lot older than 14";
JB; "Like 20 is more like it";
Tim; "Like she served me a Scotch On The Rocks, at Game On Cafe', on Landsdowne Street, next to Shea Stadium";
DO, RemDawg & JB, let loose with howling laughter. Buck is laughing so hard, that he runs to the bathroom to puke;
RemDawg; "Let me see, Tim, that means that the Cask & Flagon must be across the street from Yankee Stadium";
Replays of Betancourt, in slo-mo, are followed by another spinning logo & Whoosh;
Tim; "One thing about ground balls, they don't go out of the ball park. Her techniques in how she handles the ball are astonishing, & her accuracy is like that of a Young Derek Jeter. Truly-Amazing!"
JB;"To our Studio for an Update";
Derek Jeter: "Because I'm older now, Tim, am I as bad as Alex Rodriguez? Now back to our contest";
JB; "Ashley Brockington has tied Andrea Betancourt at 13 All, & a 5 Shot Tiebreaker will now be played. Wait, she served me a beer in a Holiday Inn up in Boston. There's another commotion going on here, as Alex Rodriguez has entered the Gymnasium, to truly awful chants. Let's listen in";
Crowd chants "Gay-Rod, Gay-Rod, Jeter's Boyfriend, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, Jeter's Boyfriend, Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap";
JB; "To The Studio & Derek Jeter"(Whoosh);
DJ; "I told that idiot to stay away & he goes & does this. Back to Forest Hills";
JB; "Ashley Brockington has won this round, with some questionable Officiating calls from Sr Mariano";
Tim; "I wonder if Ashley will buy us a round, after this";
DO; "Like over by Shea Stadium at Game-On, Tim?"
RemDawg; "Or at Cask N Flagon in The Bronx?"
The Laughter continues. Ross Mac Duncan is steaming. Replays showed that Brockington was on the line, while Betancourt was away from the Foul Line. Brockington is also S'r Mariano's Neighbor;
Ross Mac Duncan; "Hey, S'r Mariano! Replays show that Betancourt was not on the line while Brockington, a UMass Student, was on the foul line. Explain that, Brain Surgeon";
S'r Mariano; " I hate those arrogant clowns from Forest Hills. I despise Arrogant People. They have no humility";
Msgr Farrecchio; "Then go look in the mirror. You'll hate what you see";
S'r Mariano; "I'm going to call the 75th Precinct on you two";
Ross Mac Duncan; "Your Geography is as bad as Larry Lucchino's. The 112 is a few blocks away";
S'r Mariano slaps Mac Duncan yelling "This is for disrespecting my authority";
Ross Mac Duncan was stunned, then got up and belted S'r Mariano;
JB; "Here we go again. Now here comes A-Rod. He slaps the arm of Ross Mac Duncan";
Tim; "He's doing just what he did to Brandon Arroyo, in Game 6 of the '04 NLCS";
DO; "Bronson, Not Brandon, Tim";
RemDawg; "'04 ALCS, Tim, Game 6 on FOX; You still going to buy us a round at Game On in Corona?"
Msgr Farrecchio, Fr Mc Shea & Ross Mac Duncan arrived in the booth. Mac Duncan was in a foul mood;
"Bronson, NOT Brandon, Tim! Your brand of play-calling makes suspects confess to crimes which they had nothing to do with. The Red Sox play at Fenway Park in BOSTON, not Keyspan Park in Brooklyn. Fred Wilpon owns the NY Mets. John Henry is Principal Owner of the Red Sox. You STILL call Joe Buck, Jack. You drove Derek Jeter & Bill Webb, totally crazy tonight. That industrial strength hair dye is ruining FOX telecasts. WWOR 9 is home of The Boston Red Sox? Ralph Kiner worked Red Sox Telecasts? The Game On Cafe is by Shea Stadium? At this rate, Ashley Solu, Kevin Kennedy, Derek Jeter & I, are really going to rip you 4 New Ones, if you know what I mean";
Fr Mc Shea; "Where is Al Leiter when he's needed & he's needed BADLY?"
Msgr Farrecchio; "We just heard from Cardinals Manager Tony La Russa & he wants an apology for your earlier remark about Martin St Louis";
The laughter is still going on. A planned concert via satellite from Symphony Hall-Boston with the Boston Pops Orchestra, complete with Sing-Along, is scheduled. The Patriotic Song is "Stars & Stripes Forever";
Finally, the last shot is taken & Joe Buck asked everybody in attendance "Is everybody having a good time? We'll, let's join in our Sing Along to 'Stars & Stripes Forever' with the Boston Pops Orchestra"
Kick Lines & such as they are on the Esplanade in Boston, the crowd took to it;
It's awards time & the Presentations were done. Then Joe Buck made this startling announcement;
"It's been announced that FOX Saturday Baseball Presents The Knights Of Columbus Free Throw, has been extended to 2013. Well folks You're Stuck With Us; To the stations along the line, coverage continues after messages & a word from your local FOX Stations & CTV Sportsnet, on "The O T" with Curt, Terry, Howie, Jimmy, Kevin Kennedy, Derek Jeter, Ashley Solu, Don Orsillo, Jerry Remy, Myself, Ross Mac Duncan, Msgr Farrecchio & Tim Mc Carver. You won't want to miss it";
"Now, as the credits roll, listen to the Bach Children's Chorale from Scarborough, Ontario as they sing 'Ode To Joy'";
"FOX Sports, Home to Major League Baseball, NFL Football, Nascar & The BCS. This has been a parody of FOX Sports."