Click On Title For Appropriate Background :
Da da dot da da da, dot da da
The "MLB On FOX-K of C FT" Logo is spinning-Joe Buck, Tim Mc Carver, Troy Aikman & Jerry Remy are readying up. So is Sideline Commentator, Tina Cervasio.
Director Bill Webb, Senior Producer Ross Mac Duncan, & Producer Ashley Solu are in The Production Truck, in the Parking Lot for Iadanza Centre. The Two Contest Co-Chairmen, the Swishy Terry Topper & Phillippe Bottomly, storm the truck, screaming like two Christopher & Gay Street Divas @ The Halloween Parade.
Topper: "You 3, especially Mac Duncan, are outright banned for your IMMORAL Conduct. You have Sexual Feelings for your Producer, which is so perverted."
Mac Duncan(Wearing Earphones)-"Well, Topper @ least it's a girl"
Topper: "This is very-insulting. Fr Mc Adam Will hear from us & he'll carry our message to you";
Bottomly then slaps Mac Duncan's arm, causing Mac Duncan to remark "Go slap A-Rod on his arm. He might just love it".
Bottomly remarked that "This is an affront to our dignity and you'll really hear it. & Solu, we object to your presence, here'';
Ashley Solu: ''Aren't you 2, the same dudes who French-Kissed i/f/o the reviewing stand of the St. Patrick's Day Parade last year.. I saw you two, and puked'';
Topper and Bottomly, in unison; ''YOU'LL really hear about it but good''
Fr Mc Adam came into the FOX Truck. He looked ominous. He gave Mac Duncan & Solu an Official Warning;
"There have been MAJOR Objections to both of you, for your behaviour towards Terry & Phillippe. If you so much as leave this truck, the NYPD will be called & I will see to it that you 2 will spend the night in jail";
Mac then says "If these two do a toungue-kiss on this telecast, you'll be held responsible in my report to The Chancery. AM I MAKING MYSELF CLEAR";
McAdam; "Ok, let's keep The Bishop outta this. One of them, was my student & is rather-silly. I'm hoping for no fights";
Solu; "That's better. It's a deal';
Buck; "it's a Chilly Night tonight in Brooklyn, NY & tensions are running at Fever Pitch, as we do tonight's MLB ON FOX Preview, & Tim Mc Carver, you've analysed this contest over the years, do you see anything unusual about tonight";
Mc Carver; "There's 10 Year Old Contestant Bronson Chu from Forest Hills, Boston, a hot hand and has an underhand shot";
(FOX Corrective Graphic On Screen, exclaimed "Brandon Choi, Forest Hills, Queens, Tim. Text to 36197 with the # of Gaffes, Tim will make tonight or log onto foxsports.com);
Buck; "And Troy Aikman, The Co-Chairmen are somewhat unusual. It's as if you've seen them before";
Aikman; "Try The Greenwich Village Halloween Parade, where they've been outrageous. They count Clay Aitkin as among their amigos. They've even guested on 'Queer Eye For The Straight Guy'', only as technical advisors. It'll be a Gay Old Time";
"And Jerry Remy, you've been through these things as our Comedian In House, have you seen or heard anything unusual tonight";
Remy; "For Once it's Brandon, Not Bronson, from Tim Mc Carver & Choi not Chu, but still as wacky as this preview show can get. And just who are those 2 French-Kissers & WHAT are they doing here? They're as welcome as A-Rod or Eric Gagne' are in Fenway Parik";
Buck; "The Lovely, Vivacious, Tina Cervasio joins us and you've begun assessing tonight's most unusual event. What are your thoughts";
TC; "I actually saw Topper & Bottomly @ the Mara Funeral in St. Patrick's Cathedral & both made Tiki Barber run out of the Cathedral to throw up. I threw up 10 minutes after Tiki did. These guys are strange if you ask me. Brandon Choi has been shooting fine & nice to be here tonight";
Buck; "& Tina, welcome to The Crew here at FOX Sports & we'll be back after these messages and a word from your local FOX Stations";
Palm is running a Commercial for the New Centro 3G Phone., with "The Jetsons" Theme playing in in the background, with Richard Simmons and Ellen De Generes as Spokespersons(You can see where this parody is going). A 2nd 30 Second Blurb, about The iPod Touch from Apple, with a slightly-erotic message, showing the iPod Touch on screen, with an I in front of the Ipod Touch, followed by the word "Myself". It's a silent message.-"Very Touching", followed by the "Apple" Logo;
"MLB On FOX" Theme in Background & Voice of Jerry Remy, as follows;
"FOX Saturday Baseball Presents The Knights Of Columbus Free Throw" is brought to you by Mc Donalds', "I'm Lovin' It", by AT&T Mobility-"Your World, Delivered" & by Miller Brewing, Miller Lite-Great Taste, Less Filling";
Buck; "Welcome Back, & in a moment, The National Anthems of Canada & The United States, with the Boston Pops Orchestra supplying the tunes, Clay Aitken will be singing both Anthems, he being the 1st "American Idol". Let's go down o Tina Cervasio with an interview, Tina?"
TC; "Joe, I'm with Terry Topper & Phillippe Bottomly, who are about to tell us the WHY of choosing Clay Aitken as Pre-Contest Performer. Now, Phillippe, with the Exquiste Opera Star, Ashley Solu, now one of our producers, why was Clay Chosen for this?"
Bottomly; "He fits with our theme, tonight & he's a protoge' of ours. I think you get the picture";
TC; What's your favorite dessert?"
Bottomly; "Oh, ah, Chocolate Fudge, dark brown";
Topper;"We've been known to pack it";
TC; "Joe? Back to you & the crew";
Mc Carver; "I don't think these two are talking about a Fudge Sundae @ The Hairy Professor, unless they want to go inside of the professor, if you know what I mean";
RemDawg; "Ahhh, the professor is their intended 'dessert' in more ways than one";
Mc Carver; "I'd think it was Clay Aitken, or even A-Rod";, as the whole booth is cackling with laughter;
Aikman; "Like Mc Donald once said, they're lovin' it";
Buck; "Via Saellite from Boston, The Pops are ready & so is Clay Aitken & now both Anthems";
Aitken is singing & Tina is in the truck, enraged over Topper & Bottomly's interview.;
TC; "Something awfully QUEER is going on out there, Ross. Where is Fr Mc Adam?"
Mac Duncan;; " The guy taught one of these dudes, & is totally-CLUELESS, Tina, as I noticed that A-Rod is here, posing nude for NY Post Photographers";
TC; "That's outrageous. Is he looking to attract another mistress?"
Mac Duncan; "I think that he's trying to become a Greenwich Village Poster Boy";
TC begins to weep bitterly & runs back to her station, inside;
FOX Saturday Senior Creative Producer, Msgr Angelo Farrecchio, himself a rather-large presence & something of a drama queen, something he's known for on Queens Boulevard, entered the truck, with a bad cold. Mac Duncan gives him hot tea with lemon & a shot of Oil of Oregano, to burn out the cold.. He felt better & remarked " This stuff really works Mac, but it tastes like shit";
Solu; "Don't let Topper & Bottomly hear that. They might run like crazy out here";
Mac; "Besides, they'd like it";
Msgr Farrecchio; "One day, Topper was wearing a load of 'Old Spice' while Bottomly wore a load of 'Chanel #5. Topper fought off all the women, while protecting Bottomly, who had a load of men chasing him";
Mac Duncan; "Did they chase Bottomly with Bats? He's one ugly dude";
Msgr; " No. One was Roger & the other was Andy, both from Texas";
Solu; "Damn Yankees";
Msgr; "One of them, has a name, which in Latin, means merciful";
Mac Duncan; "That's it. Roger Clemens is in another mess. It's high time the NY Daily News heard about this latest stunt, only he's messin' with guys+you can add Andy Pettite. Their wives will really go off";
Solu; "Not to mention Mindy, Terry & Phillippe";
Buck; "A little piece from Creative Producer, Msgr Farrecchio. It seems that Roger Clemens was chasing after Topper & Bottomly, one Sunday";
Mc Carver; "Debbie & Mindy now can sing that Hank Williams song "Your Cheatin' Heart";
Remy; "Roger I see, is quite a switch-hitter. With his size, though, he should strike out with Debbie & Mindy, this time";
Aikman; "He's surely a hit with Terry & Phillippe & in Terry's case, it ain't Bradshaw";
One shot of the crowd, shows Manny Ramirez with a sign, reading "Why Are Those Maricons here & they're but-uglophiles";
Buck; "Manny Ramirez with his sign commentary-Tim, what is Manny really saying?"
Mc Carver; "But-Uglophiles? I think he's saying that those two faerie queens are as ugly as a horse's patoot";
Remy; "& Manny's spelling has gotten better, which isn't saying much";
Aikman; "Knowing Manny, he must think that Maricons are a couple of Sisters in Forest Hills, Queens, named Cohen";
Cackling laughter breaks out;
Now the Contest is underway. A camera shot of Ashley Brockington, a UMASS Senior, who lives in Woodhaven, Queens, just across the border from Cypress Hills, is seen, as she's talking Amicably with Tony Danza, for whom Iadanza Centre is named. Ashley was the Winner of the 14 Year Old Girls Portion in Forest Hills, Queens, the year before;
Buck; "Amongst our celebrities tonight, Ashley Brockington, who won last year's contest, talking with the man whose last name, adorns this complex";
Mc Carver; "I think she's the one who served me that scotch on the rocks at Game On Cafe', on Lansdowne Street, inside Shea Stadium. That guy must be Ashton Karcher";
Remy; "Now, with the Cask N Flagon, relocated to The Bronx, you still going to buy us a round at Game On in Corona. That's Tony Danza with her";
Aikman; "Tim? Your geographical knowledge is as high as Roger Clemens' Loyalty to his wife";
Mc Carver; "Which is?"
Buck;; "Trey Youk @ the the line, having sunk 5 shots, Trey hits the backboard & it bounces back to the spotter";
Mc Carver; "I think that Youk would make a good #8 hitter with the pitcher's spot due up";
Remy; "In the ALCS? What game on FOX are you watching?"
Mc Carver; "It's simple. Like Forest Wohlers once said, 'You can't choke a chicken if its' head is cut off'. Simple as that!";
Aikman; "Manny Ramirez is right. This IS Maricon Night";
A camera shot shows Terry & Phillippe;
Buck; "The Two Chairmen, Topper & Bottomly, are talking amicably. Yikes! They're doing a toungue kiss. I'm at a loss for words";
Remy; "Tim this is like you & Derek Jeter, the way you mention him about 17+ times, in game, Jeter's not even in";
Mc Carver; " I've got Joan at home. She keeps me happy. Jeter can always have A-Rod over for those sleepovers of theirs. Jerry, you're in love with Ol' Youppi over there":
Remy; "That's Wally The Green Monster, like I've told you before. Let me go out & smoke a few fags";
Aikman; "Language unbecoming of a FOX Sports Commentator. You want to set Topper & Bottomly on fire?"
Remy; "No, it's British for lhaving a couple of cigarettes";
Aikman; "Oh, OK! Thought for a moment, Topper & Bottomly were going to be the main course in a bonfire";
FOX goes out for a commercial. Fr Fred Mc Adam makes a bee line for the FOX Truck. He's really upset;
Mac Duncan; " I know. Mc Cavah's giving you acid reflux";
Fr Fred Mc Adam; "& they're wearing funny rings. Masons Rings. They were heard thinking of going to 'Breadstix'. That toungue kiss? That's like a Doctor using a stick to make someone go Ahhhh. That gets me in puke mode. BTW, I threw up on the street, after watching that stunt";
Solu; "Don't worry! Ross didn't call The Bishop. The Bishop called him";
Mc Adam; "How Upset is His Excellency?"
Mac Duncan; "He saw these 2 do this after eating a Rainbow Sundae in Forest Hills & quipped, that it was time for a Barf Up Party. BTW, there's still a ban on The Masons, right?";
Mc Adam; "Especially when they're Masons. No Communion for them";
Buck proceeds to land kisses on the cheeks of Mc Carver, Remy & Aikman. Buck;"Well Tim, there have been some amazing Alternative Type Couples. Alice B Tocklass & Gertrude Stein, Ellen De Generes & Anne Heche";
Mc Carver; "You & Troy Aikman";
Stunned Silence for a moment, the Buck retorted with "Like Jerry Remy said about you & Derek Jetet";
Mc Carver; "As I said before, Jeter's got A-Rod, for all those sleepovers";
Buck; "Tina Cervasio has some comments. Tina?"
TC; "You 4 Guys sound like 4 Drunks in Locker Room, near "The Hairy Professor", comparing Sizes of your Cell Phones or Fun Tools, it's so JUVENILE up there+all the cackling laughs. It sounds like a night with Denis Leary, Lenny Clarke, Orsillo & Remdawg, bursting into laughter. This'll definitely land on You Tube tonight, along with the French Kissing Co-Chairmen. Now back upstairs";
TC bursts into laughter. Buck calls "To our studio & Derek Jeter";
FOX sound of "Whooshhhh"
Jeter; "That guy posing in the Nude for the NY Post, Ol' A-Rod, is BUTT-Ugly. No mistress nor guy at Christopher & Gay, would want him";
Buck; "Tina Cervasio with Another Comment";
TC; "Are they crazy at The Post? A-Rod is one BUTT-UGLY Dude. Back upstairs";
Buck; "Terry Topper has a comment, right now";
Topper; "Phillippe & I, feel as if our privacy has been invaded. We will sue you for everything you 4 in the booth, have. Am I clear about that?"
Mc Carver; "You can lick our Lolipops, Dude"
Bottomly; "Great! We can settle out of Court";
The Booth bursts into Extreme Laughter, so wild that Mc Carver runs to the bathroom & pukes;
Suddenly, two dudes, dressed in Chapeaus, wearing Capes , show up inside the Gymnasium @ Iadanza Centre. Both bore polished swords & sheaths;
Mac Duncan; "WTF are those 2 idiots doing here?"
Solu; "I don't know, but this has been one, sure fire, freak show";
Ennis, a floor spotter for FOX Sports & a regular @ The Hairy Professor, is watching & listening to some dude from Woodhaven, telling everybody to stop shooting "In The Name of Patriotism-you will be silent. We are here in Brookline, MA, to straighten out & run the Assembly by the book. My name is Commandant Kazmerzcyk &...";
Ennis was in the truck, asking Mac For directions on how to handle this dude;
Mac; "just keep it clean, so the White House & the FCC don't go banannas. You know that Hairy Professor Chant of "F--- Kazmarek?";
Ennis; "OK, FUNK Kazmarek";
Solu; This is being seen in The Cask n Flagon, Game On & Beer Works. They'll be joining the chant. & of course The Hairy Professor;
Ennis; "That'll work. Funk funking Kazmarek-Funk him";
On the floor, as Kazmerzcyk rants on about the power of his sword, The chant of "Funk Kazmarek" started up;. It was heard eminating from Iadanza Centre & from The Hairy Professor in NY, Beer Works, Game On and Cask n Flagon in Boston, Msgr Murphy's In Chicago and Sonny Mc Lean's In Santa Monica, CA, all known Red Sox Locations in those cities. Kazmerzcyk ran out to the truck and protested. Ennis was there;
Kazmerzcyk: "This is an affront to Patriotism. We've come here to settle down the troubled Councils here in Brookline":
Mac Duncan: "Yo, Idiot Boy, This is Brooklyn, like Cypress Hills, where the idea of a wicked pissah time is taking a leak behind an El Piller on Fulton Street. where are you from, like what Planet?"
Kazmercyk: "The Patriotic Town of Woodhaven, NY, as I've arrived by train";
Mac: "I was 10 before I moved to Boston & I Lived Here":
Kazmerzcyk: "we come to plant The Flag here";
Solu; "A White One?"
Mac; "When I was in Cypress Hills, we thought that you Natives of Woodhaven had one thing in common-your heads are up your arses, now get back on the BMT & get LOST";
Ennis: "Funk Woodhaven-Funk Them."
FOX Stage Manager, John Mc Quade from Bay Ridge, Brooklyn, is listening to Topper & Bottomly.. Mc Quade approaches the duo & advised them where to get the delicious Fudge they've talked about;
Mc Quade; "Just go to Fulton & Autumn & there'll be that great Chocolate Fudge Shop. It's closing in 15 Minutes";
Bottomly: "Eh, Eh, Cool";
Both Topper & Bottomly have no idea that the Ice Cream Parlor closed in 1986 & went to Bay Ridge, Brooklyn & became a Liquor Store.
Mc Quade to Mac: "I sent the Christopher & Gay Duo off to the Ice Cream Parlor, that moved to Bay Ridge & they don't know it";
Mac; "& They'll come back screaming like they're in The Halloween Parade in The Village";
Mc Quade: "Sounds like 2 good candidates for taunting in the Right Field Bleachers in Yankee Stadium";
Mac; "We Sox Fans have ways of getting even. Order up 2 NY Mets Caps to have them sit with the Bleacher Creatures. They'll never know what hit them";
McQuade; "They're at the door in a rage";
Topper: "Get out here & fight me like a man. C'mon, fight me like a man";
Fr Mc Adam; "Stay outside. You wouldn't know what fighting like a man is";
Buck: "Brandon Choi, 10 Year Old from Forest Hills, NY is at the line. Now he starts his session, wanting to go without a warm up. Tomorrow on FX, @ 3:00PM, join Don Orsillo, Jerry Remy, Tina Cervasio & Michael Kay for "FT On FX". Brandon is shooting like no tomorrow, 5, 6, 7,,8, 9. We've just been handed this by Executive Producer Ed Goren, that we're switching in one moment to FX, as Alex Rodriguez has a Press Conference over all these FOX Stations";
Mac is on the line to Goren: "Why The Switch? What does 'Miss October' have to say that's so important?"
Goren; "He's full of surprises & Jeter wants to kill him";
Mac is now with FX & following The Action & Choi shot a Perfect 15, in a rage that A-Rod has broken into someone else's action;
Mac Duncan "A-Rod breaks into this game to defend his Nude Spread to appear tomorrow in the NY Post & that he's not getting a sex change & that Scott Boras is an a--hole & Jeter is a selfish little bitch? This guy tried to be the Top Story when The Red Sox won it all in '07";
Solu; "That's why even Yankees fans call him 'A-Hole'";;
Meanwhile, fans in the gym are watching A-Rod sounding like a whiny bitch & the Contest ending on FX:
Buck; "There's something going on in the ESPN Radio Booth, with Suzyn Waldman all excited. Let's listen in";
On ESPN Radio Feed, is Suzyn Waldman, sounding like she's in heat, uttering "Ladies & Gentleman, Roger Clemens is in My Bawx. It feels so good. Oh, my Goodness Gracious"(While breathing heavily);
Dave O'Brien on ESPN Radio; "I call this desparation";
Joe Castiglione; "If you ask me, Suzyn is fodder for 'Mike & The Mad Dog' on WFAN, tomorrow";
Michael Kay; "Well, Roger will enrage Debbie, Mindy, 5 Housewives from New Jersey, & Topper & Bottomly";
O'Brien; "The Rocket has hit Rock-Bottom";
Solu & Mac Duncan, entered Iadanza Centre. Solu & Tina Cervasio spot A-Rod.
A-Rod; "I'm starting a new modeling career";
Solu; "Modelling Blue Lip Gloss for Eskimos, again?"
Mac; "He can go to Castro in 'Frisco & do this";
A-Rod then slaps the forearm of Tina Cervasio. She then smashes A-Rod across the face. He then slaps Solu on the wrist. Solu smacks A-Rod across the face, again. A-Rod then slaps the arm of Ross Mac Duncan. Mac cold-cocks him.
Topper came running in to revive A-Rod & slapped Mac from behind. Mac belts Topper, as seen on both FOX & FX.
Buck: "1st, A-Rod get's belted, then Topper, & Bottomly has tried grabbing Ross by the arm to slap him & Now Bottomly is down on the floor, after a belt from Mac";
Mc Carver: "Ol' Slappy Mc Bluelips has been belted around like a baseball all over Yankee Stadium. So have Topper & Bottomly. Slapping will get you belted";
Remy: "Tomorrow, we're free from the slap of A-Rod. Join me, Don Orsillo, Tina Cervasio & Michael Kay on 'FT On FX', at 3PM only on FX, where we'll throw no punches";
Aikman: "& Nobody gets hurt, unless A-Rod shows up in a Yankees Jacket";
Remy; "Which should be painful in Arlington, MA";
Buck; "The Dropkick Murphys are here to play both 'God Bless America' & their hit anthem, 'Sending Up To Boston';
Mc Carver; "I've just spotted Jason Papelbon in shorts, with a broom, looking to play Faux Guitar";
Remy; "Jonathan, not Jason, Tim. That round at Game On In Corona, will really-taste good about now";
A FOX Graphic, with FOX Theme playing on your screen, encouraging fans to text the # of gaffes Tim will make or log onto FoxSports.com, to do it, is on screen;
Aikman; "Derek Jeter is standing near A-Rod. Yikes, Jeter is mighty-tourqued & A-Rod is bent over";
Mc Carver;; "Alex Rodriguez will be of no use tonight, either to his wife, or his mistress";
Remy; "Or with Topper & Bottomly";
Buck; "& once again, Our Senior Producer, Ross Mac Duncan has scored a hat trick, knocking out Topper, Bottomly & Alex Rodriguez";
Aikman: "With that hat trick by Mac, he should be really good on NHL Telecasts on Versus";
Buck; "Tina, you look rather stunned from these turn of events. Tell us your thoughts on this";
TC; "Let's put it this way, Joe, it'll be great of Tim to buy us a round at Game On in Corona. This place was like something Harvey Feirstein would put together, a proverbial "Birds Of A Feather". It was way too-wierd. Let's just say that Derek Jeter put the Icing on the cake with his well-placed knee to the groin of A-Rod, the consumate 'ME' Player';
Mc Carver; "I guess that what I've been saying about Derek Jeter, he's been long overdue for AL Most Valuable Player, especially when he took down Alex Rodriguez";
Remy; "This is only Tim's 1st Mention of Derek Jeter, tonight";
Mc Carver; "Jeter has saved us from selfish showoffs. Jeter will bring any team to glory. Jeter will bring the Yankees back to glorious times";
Remy; "I stand corrected";
Mc Carver; "The New Yankee Stadium-The House That Derek Jeter Built";
Derek Jeter; "Thanks for The Obsession, Tim, now get rid of the Red Dye #2 & try my cologne";
Booth bursts into gales of laughter;
Ashley Solu now appears to sing "God Bless America" with Kelly Clarkson, seen on FOX & FX. Both receive chants of BRAVO & BRAVISSIMO;
The Dropkick Murphys start their anthem up & Jonathan Papelbon is in Shorts Costume & The fun begins. The cast is on the floor & dancing to the beat.
The Booth, where everyone is gathered, is full of production people, like Ross Mac Duncan, Msgr Farrecchio, Ashley Solu, Director Bill Webb, & Buck, Mc Carver, Aikman, Tina Cervasio, Manny Ramirez, Derek Jeter, Mike Piazza, Kevin Kennedy, Eric Karros.
Buck: We'll be signing off in a moment & heading to a Cast Party @ The Hairy Professor in The East Village on The Island of Manhattan, so @ This moment, we'd all like to blow you a kiss. We've been joined by Our Floor Managers, Ennis & John. Tonight is a milestone here at FOX Sports, as Ross didn't lead any invasion into the booth & Ross, we're grateful tonight. Any thought on this?"
Mac ; "Tonight, Let's PARTAY" The Credits are now on, with Dropkick Murphys "Tessie" & "Sending Up To Boston" rolling live in the background;
Then the Film;
"FOX Sports, Home To The World Series, The Bowl Championship Series, Nascar, The NFC Championship. This has been a Parody Of FOX Sports".
Note-Written on a Palm T/X and transported by iMac. Re-Edited on eMac. The Writer, a Native of Brooklyn, lives in Woodhaven, Queens, across the border from Brooklyn.
Labels: MLB On FOX